How Mini-Kingdom Hierarchies Destroy Good Friendships

You meet a friend; for the first few months or even years, the friendship is good and well until your friend introduces you to their other friend. They also meet your other friend(s). Before you know it, you now have a circle of friends.

This is a common occurrence in many friendships.

As this circle of friendship seemingly expands, social hierarchies begin to form.

With different personalities, some like to control and take charge, others are more impulsive, while others are more like elders who are wiser than the rest.

With all these differences, a social hierarchy takes shape. All of a sudden, one becomes the leader; out of the blue, there's the butt of the joke, the other is always a scapegoat, and the next is always regarded as a child.

All this happens with no formal or conscious rationale. It builds up subtly and slowly, until resentment builds. And good friendships go down the drain.

Often, the one perceived to have money, social status, or have their life figured out, gets to be placed on a higher pedestal than the rest of the group. Rendering him or her the King of the mini-kingdom that has been formed.

In most cases, the type I refer to above acts like the leader, and the rest just listen and follow whatever they say. Without recourse or challenge. This then intensifies this mini-kingdom and its hierarchies.

I have had a friend who has been a good friend; we had no issues whatsoever until someone who had a better social status than us came into the picture. And the whole friendship took a different shape.

The new guy started to be treated as a mini King by my friend, and I began to be perceived as a pawn by both of them. And because I was aware of this, I quickly distanced myself.

But many are not aware of this dynamic; they stay in such friendships until it is too late.

What this mini-kingdom hierarchy does is create resentment, envy, jealousy, and at times hate. Eventually, the friendship circle gets broken into groups. Then it simply ends.

The saddest reality about this is that the good friend you may have had as a teenager, you can easily lose them because:

(i) They have become a King in this hierarchy,

(ii) They found a King and started belittling you,

(iii) You have started seeing yourself as a King

(iv) You have introduced a new friend whom you saw as a King and neglected your friend

All of these possible scenarios destroy good friendships, where people end up with transactional friendships.

It leads to people not forming genuine friendships. Before they know it, they say things like "me against the world", when their Kings find other pawns or meet other Kings themselves.

It is a never-ending cycle.

A big takeaway from this is that, amongst your friends, assess whether you already have an existing mini-kingdom, identify the king, and where the others fit in this kingdom.

If you do have this mini-kingdom and you genuinely care about your friends, end it.

No one should be king, no one should be the butt of the joke, no one should be an iceboy, no one should be a scapegoat. Basically, no one should be better or worse than the next.

In genuine friendships, we are all equals. That is how it should be; it all begins with being able to identify when this mini-kingdom hierarchy begins to form, and stop it from taking shape.