Beyond the Blue Ticks: Navigating the Pain of Ghosting

One day you’re locked in a flawless conversation, sharing inside jokes, and planning the next meetup. The vibes are unmatched. The next day? Absolute radio silence. No explanation, no argument, just a wall of blue ticks. You haven't just been text-ignored; you’ve been ghosted.

If you've ever been in this type of situation, you'd understand how it may leave you confused.

Ghosting is not just another one of those life things. To your brain, it's one of the most confusing kinds of rejection there is. Hence why a lot of people do not take kindly to being ghosted.

Firstly, let me start by defining what ghosting is for those who may not be familiar with this phenomenon.

Yes, I know, it's Halloween week; some will be ghosts in their costumes, while others get ghosted. But no, the ghosting I'm referring to is unrelated to the Halloween ghosts we normally see.

Ghosting is when someone suddenly stops all communication with another person without warning or explanation.

For many of us, we can act all macho when we're being blue-ticked and be like, "Ah, I won't bother them", "I won't beg him/her to reply to me", etc. But in fact, the pain of being ghosted is one of the most hurtful pains of rejection.

Many act like they feel nothing, yet deep down, they are left bewildered after being ghosted.

Generally, ghosting happens in romantic relationships, but it goes beyond that; ghosting also befalls friendships, partnerships, and even family relatives. And the pain stings the same, irrespective of the type of relationship.

Here's why being ghosted is painful

Your brain processes being ignored as pain. In a 2003 study, Naomi Eisenberger, a neuroscientist, ran an experiment where participants played an online ball-tossing game.

Mid-game, some players quietly stopped throwing the ball to certain participants.

The brain scans of those who were no longer tossed the ball showed activity in the "dorsal cingulate cortex", a brain region involved in the distress of physical pain.

This indicates that social rejection triggers the same pain as physical pain.

Being ghosted is the same as being ostracised.

And being ostracised threatens needs such as belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence.

According to Abraham Maslow, a famous American psychologist, human motivation follows a tiered model of needs. And that model is what makes us happy and fulfilled when all those needs are met.

And ghosting threatens the third stage of this model, which is Love and Belonging.

As you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs diagram below, you'd see that without the satisfaction of one stage (needs), you cannot move on to the next stage.

Failure to move up all these stages leaves people miserable. And being ghosted can leave you unsatisfied and unfulfilled in the love and belonging stage. This then hinders you from moving into the following stage - self-esteem.

What happens to the person ghosted

Common patterns and similar emotions are often experienced by those being ghosted. Because this is a psychological occurrence, it invokes the same emotions and reactions in every human being.

Here are some of these patterns:

• Endless replaying: rereading old messages and replaying the last interactions, hunting for the mistake they made.

• Hypervigilance: Checking whether the ghoster has been online, whether they viewed their status or stories.

• Feeling Foolish: Feeling embarrassed as to how something "so small" hurts.

• Self-blame: Seeing being ghosted as an indication of one's worth.

• Trust hesitation: Holding back with the next person.

  
  

How to deal with being ghosted

If you have been blue-ticked, ignored, and left hanging, left feeling confused, foolish, and inadequate. You are left not knowing what to do and how to deal with the pain that being ghosted has brought you.

Here are three top strategies you can employ to navigate being ghosted and find peace and closure:

1. Stop the checking: Mute, block, or unfollow. Every check reopens and triggers the pain and the confusion you're trying to get over.

2. Write your own ending: Write the closing message you'll never send. Have your own reasonable conclusion. Be the author of your story.

3. Watch for negative self-talk: Watch for feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and low self-worth. If they appear, be intentional in suppressing them and replace them with positive thoughts.

Numerous studies prove that social rejection hurts the same as physical pain; that is why so many people get worked up when they get ghosted. The pain comes from the threat to their need for love and social belonging.

So, before you ghost someone, understand that you are inflicting real pain. Unless your intention is really to hurt the next person. Therefore, ghosting them may help your course.

In contrast, if you are being ghosted and feel the hurt and confusion because you don't know why you are suddenly ignored. Watch your thoughts and emotions, and navigate that situation.

After all, rejection and ostracism are a part of life, and knowing how to effectively deal with those is what will aid you to eventually reach the self-actualisation stage, in accordance with Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Not knowing how to navigate being ghosted will surely leave you in despair and hurt for an unnecessarily lengthy period. Therefore, it is essential to be intentional in learning how to navigate such situations.